Gin & Platonic.

This is my work fish…Steve. My cubicle mate’s fish name is Austin.

Get it?

After finding a hair in my yogurt for the 2nd time (and not finding Danone’s customer service reps very helpful) I took the liberty of crafting this complaint letter/novel, which I will be mailing after work. Enjoy.

Dear Mr. Dan One;

If that is your real name. Let me paint a picture for you.  Is that alright with you? Ok good. Thanks.  It’s May 16, 2011. I’m about to enjoy a delicious individual sized Activia yogurt. I peel back the lid and to my horror, disgust, and assortment of similar adjectives, I found a lovely black hair poking out of my yogurt.

On a scale from one to Leah Miller’s botched face, how disgusting is that? I’d say probably as bad as the fact that “American Dad” is still on TV.  I remained calm, however. I phoned your complaint line listed on the side of your yogurt (1-888-ACTIVIA). Oh yeah, on a side note, some people have QWERTY keyboards on their mobile devices. This isn’t 1994. Spelling out your company’s name using keys on the telephone is like wearing a side ponytail with a scrunchie. It’s cute and all, but everyone just assumes you’re retarded.  ANYWAY, I phoned, spoke to a customer service representative, and was assured this was a rare occurrence blah blah blah.  The lady was very nice and apologized profusely. I was very appreciative. I was sent $8 of manufacturer’s coupons in the mail. Which was very nice. Like super nice! I mean, you’re a yogurt company, not Kraft Dinner or something. One time, my friend got a box of Kraft Dinner without a package of cheese in it… and they sent her a shitload of Kraft Dinner when she complained. But hey, you guys are a yogurt company, not a noodle and cheese company. Apples and oranges, am I right?

Now, time to fast forward to the future. And by future I mean present. Today, August 15, 2011. Almost 3 months after my encounter with the hairy yogurt.  Again, I was about to enjoy a delicious individual sized ACTIVIA yogurt. I put my spoon in, and almost took a bite when, to my disbelief, I spotted a short, blond hair sticking out of the yogurt.  It felt as though I had slipped into an alternate dimension. To quote famed French Canadian band, Simple Plan “HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO MEEEE?”.

Furious, I phoned your complaint line. The lady was very nice, but seemed flabbergasted by the fact that this had happened TWICE! She assured me that your facilities are very strict and all sorts of other things she was told to say.  I get it. I know how customer service works. You never want to admit fault. I might have raised my voice a little one the phone with her, but quickly apologized as I realized this was not her fault.  I suppose I am expecting some more coupons in the mail.

So I began thinking, if your facilities really are so strict, and have such high safety standards, there’s no way that your company could possibly be at fault for this. No…no…there must be some OTHER explanation as to how hair was in my yogurt twice.  And then it dawned on me. OF COURSE, HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO STUPID!

I phoned up my good friend and expert in the occult, Rupert Giles, and had a lengthy discussion with him. He confirmed my theory.

Now, I don’t want you to be alarmed…but there appears to a poltergeist causing mischief and wreaking havoc in your yogurt factory. Yogurtgeist, if you will.

Before you dismiss my theory, hear me out. I have been told that everyone wears hair nets. Hair nets are 100% effective, just like condoms or the criminal justice system. So of course the hair couldn’t have come from that. The only other logical explanation is one of the paranormal varieties.  I’m thinking it must be a calico coloured cat poltergeist. Why? Well for one, cats shed a lot. Two, cats fucking love yogurt. Three, the calico colour explains how I found a black hair in May, and then a blond hair in August (I believe there is just one cat spirit present). And fourth, we all know cats like to cause mischief, duh.

After doing considerable research into the matter, I have come up with an action plan for you (you’re welcome). It is time for the Cat Poltergeist to pass onto the other side. I suggest contacting internationally acclaimed psychic, John Edwards (You may have seen his show, Crossing Over with John Edwards?)

                                                   [Picture of John Edwards]

You can find out information about his readings online at http://www.johnedward.net/events/pricing?ref=homepage-box . It looks like a private reading will run you about $750. Now, he may not be able to get rid of your yogurt loving, calico cat poltergeist, but he can maybe tell you why he’s there…or at least what the first letter of it’s name is (he’s very good).

Once you figure out why the cat ghost is there, you should try contacting the good folks at AE’s hit series, Paranormal State. They’re trained excorsists pretty much. So yeah you’ll probably have to have a séance and stuff. Hope that’s ok.

Anyway, just thought I would let you know how serious and sinister the problem at your facilitiy really is. I mean, that is if you have just one facilitiy. Maybe you have multiple ones. Then you’d have to have lots of excorcisms.

 I just wanted to apologize for complaining for finding a hair in my yogurt. Obviously, as explained to me by your customer service representative, something like this would be extremely rare. I truly believe the only logical explanation, and I’m sure you’ll agree, is that you have a calico coloured cat poltergeist wreaking havoc in your plant. If you wish to compensate me for further occult consultation, feel free to send me a Starbucks giftcard or something, because I will not be eating your yougurt until I have proof that the cat poltergeist has been successfully removed.

Wishing you success in your excorcisms,

Megan Ogden